Thursday, March 20, 2014
My love for so many creatures, ideas, objects, theories and people can not be identified through a tangible proof- but everything I feel, see and learn to understand seem to fill me to the brim with a sense of liveliness words cannot express well enough. I don't collect, or need much to be happy. I appreciate people's time and words more than anything. In the current sixteen years I have lived on this planet, many things have built me, and broken me into the person I am today. I don't like alot of things about myself and I am a package full of complexities that I've become adjusted to overtime. One feeling however, I have not been able to adjust to is Numbness. When I am numb, I am cold, hollow and I feel like I'm merely a ghost floating along the Earth, watching and understanding everything around me but my heart and mind isn't in it. It's like someone scooped out all my insides, made me a hallow shell, and put me back together. When I am numb, nothing seems to rid it until it passes.When I am numb, I believe I am nonexistent. I become almost someone else I don't like or understand. The feeling of Numbness doesn't come around everyday, but when I do feel it, it makes me appreciate even the darkest and most saddest emotions my body has the audacity to create because what Numbness has taught me, is that even in my purest moments of my depression, anxiety and fears, it is much better to feel than to not feel at all. All these feelings hurt me inside out- doing the smallest tasks can make me feel so vulnerable, weak, small, and just want to leave wherever I am. But I am alive, and after all I've managed to go through, I should be proud of who I am. The deepest of my emotions make me feel alive, regardless. I am thankful for that because some cannot feel at all, and even though I could take ease at the thought of feeling with out depression and anxiety- it surely reminds me I am alive and I would hate if I ever grew into a walking, breathing corpse. I am thankful for the range of emotions because there are times once in a while that "happy" seem to suite me. It doesn't last very long but the occasional times I am, it is blissful, and I could just cry from the relief of lightness I feel. Emotions are beautiful. It makes me realize I have not turned into a stone from within, I'm still alive- able to appreciate people, nature and the entire universe even more than I have already. My love for everything around me continues to expand.
Posted by Kaitlyn H